May: right, Brexit.
Barnier: right. What kind of Brexit do you want?
May: Uh. What? I just want Brexit. Brexit means Brexit.
Barnier: okay... but, do you want free movement? Customs union? What about Ireland?
May: a red, white and blue Brexit.
Barnier: so a Slovenian Brexit?
May: pardon?
Barnier: you know, the colors of the... never mind. If you had known anything about Europe I doubt we'd be having this conversation. Anyway, what do you want? And why do I keep having to ask this?
May: hang on, snap election.
Barnier: okay...
May: okay, back (kind of). So yeah, red white and blue Brexit.
Barnier: that's... can you write down what you want our relationship to be? Like maybe in four pages or so?
May: I can write two. Is double spacing okay?
Barnier: sure. Just make sure we have it soon.
May: oh for sure. Say... July 2018?
Barnier: ...
May: glad we understand each other.
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May: so. Here it is. We want to leave the customs union, end freedom of movement, and keep an open border with Ireland.
Davis and Johnson: unacceptable capitulation. We resign.
Barnier: How can you have both an open and a closed border?
May: Oh, that's easy. We'll check all vehicles coming over the Irish border using technology that doesn't exist yet.
Barnier: so will you adhere to European manufacturing and health standards?
May: of course not. We want to be able to call *anything* a sausage again. Stuff some rat tails in an old shoe? That's a sausage. None of this "British sausage" stuff anymore.
Barnier: yeah no I hear you. But that means checking goods before they cross the border. That's how borders work, that's how standards work. That's why we made all those standards in the first place. There will not be technology to check this kind of thing instantaneously, not within two years, anyway.
May: there might be?
Barnier: no.
May: Okay, no. But could we just say there might be?
Barnier: not really. How about, and I'm really sorry to say this, you check if goods satisfy European standards before they come to Northern Ireland from Britain?
May: YOU WANT TO STEAL NORTHERN IRELAND???
Barnier: right. Sorry. I don't. Okay, so it doesn't seem we'll solve this before March 2019. What if we just agree that you leave and we keep the transition agreement until we make a final agreement?
May: that's pretty shitty.
Barnier: yes. Yes it is. But it's what we got.
May: (gulp). Okay. I'll go tell the moro... I mean honourable members of parliament.
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May: so, this is the plan. Including a pretty confusing agreement about Ireland, because we can't really figure that part out.
Raab: unacceptable. I resign.
Rees-Mogg: May, how about you?
May: let's ask all the Tories?
Tories: nahh. Stay! We like... that you're neither Corbyn nor Boris Johnson.
May: That is very true. And what about the deal I negotiated?
Tories: fuuuuckk no.
Corbyn: can I be PM now?
Parliament: no.
Cooper: let's agree to not let no deal exit happen.
Parliament: eh, we might.
Spelman: let's agree we don't want no deal to happen.
Parliament: agreed.
Cooper *mutters*: so you will let no deal happen but want to have it noted you didn't want it. Cool. Glad to have it on record I guess.
May: okay so I hear you say the backstop is bad. I agree. Let's get rid of it.
Parliament: that's your position? Isn't that a bit weird?
May: no, no. That's Graham Brady's position. Right Brady?
Brady: sure. It's my position. I came up with it, which is why it's called Brady's amendment. Everybody cool?
Parliament: yes. Let's do it. Let's not have the backstop.
All of the EU: that's your proposal? That's not a proposal. We agreed on the backstop because we could not possibly reach an agreement on Ireland at all. So now you want to just leave without any securities on Ireland whatsoever? Absolutely not.
May: okay... so we'll vote again in two weeks.
EVERYONE: about what?